Monday, November 23, 2015

SwoleMates shirts for sale!

Last run for the swolemates shirts!  We're running these as White Buffalo Apparel shirts for one last order (i.e. without the sponsor info on the back, unless they were extras from the competition).  If you're looking for a Christmas gift for your significant other, these are perfect.

The women's shirts are 3/4 length sleeves (not the one pictured here) and fit pretty close to other fitted tshirts.  I fit into a medium, but the large is more comfortable for training.



Sizes

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Finding Your Way As A Female Athlete On Social Media

So most girls that have been in the sports game as an adult can't deny that there is a certain amount of pressure to reconcile having the type of body that works well for their sport, while at the same time trying to fit certain gender stereotypes.  I feel that pressure.  A lot.  And while most days I can ignore those pressures, some days it gets to me.

I recently read a piece explaining harassment of women by men, most of whom are complete strangers.  It talked about the fact that harassment is not, in fact, about sex, it is about power.  I think there also lies a power struggle within the athletic world when it comes to female athletes.  Here's how I think that all fits together.

When I quit swimming, I jumped immediately into CrossFit.  CrossFit is very much, for now, an adult's sport.  It's not a sport kids have grown up practicing for, it just hasn't been around that long.  It didn't take very long for me to notice the element of sex that women were trying to piece together with their athleticism.  I think the first time I noticed it, I was a spectator at the 2012 Mid-Atlantic regionals.  Another athlete, who had been a CrossFitter for some time and was somewhat annoyed with the sexual aspect of the sport, usually kept her shirt on for workouts for that very reason.  At regionals, there is usually one particularly long chipper throughout the weekend with a 25ish minute time cap.  Inevitably, her body temperature rose, and off came the shirt, out of comfort.  Immediately, the manner in which her male judge was counting reps changed.  It was almost like he was bored and then he woke up.  I'm probably not doing a very good job of describing it, but was very uncomfortable and awkward to watch.

My coach at the time even emphasized the importance of getting sponsors, and that taking your clothes off during workouts was an important aspect of that.  The more skin you showed, the more likely you were to get noticed (see Christmas Abbott).  This was a very confusing concept for me, since I had grown up wanting to get noticed for my athletic ability (my senior year of high school was filled with doubles and extra training sessions, in hope that a D1 swim coach would notice me).  Thinking my coach knew what was best for me, I obliged.  And being a swimmer my whole life, being in front of a large crowd with minimal clothes on was old news to me.

A lot of being an adult athlete these days includes a social media presence.  And there are two types of female athletes with a large following: ones that have been successful in their respective sport (Julie Foucher), and ones that show a lot of skin (again, Abbott).  And I understand there is a certain amount of being a professional athlete can include building a brand, and those two groups are not mutually exclusive.

Here's the tough thing, and this crosses my mind a lot: where do you draw the line?  I personally have put a lot of effort into building a brand.  White Buffalo Training is my baby.  I want to help people become better athletes and better humans.  And part of that is me convincing potential clients that I know what I'm talking about, and that I practice what I preach.  I've heard from more than one client "I contacted you because you and Greg look great!  You guys must be doing something right!"  While being a successful weightlifter does NOT mean having the perfect body, for me, being 5'10'', it means staying as lean as possible to still stay in my 75kg/165lb weight class.

Do I monitor what I post on social media?  Yes.  Most times, before I post something, I ask myself, is this adding to me as an athlete and a brand?  Or is this just to put myself out there for the easy likes?  If it's the latter, I don't post it, and I try to have an internal pride for how far I've come and how hard I work.  Do I decide wrongly sometimes?  Probably.  Do I sometimes give into the latter option?  Probably, especially if I'm having a bad day/week.  You can see how posting these types of pictures can be pretty directly linked to low self esteem, or even an immediate need for validation (e.g. you may feel attractive that day, but not feel particularly fulfilled, liked, or loved).  But, I'm here to be honest and address something that bothers me pretty regularly, and that is: pressure.

So let's come back to the power struggle.  When you or I or anyone else posts a picture that is very obviously sexy or going to evoke a particular response from the male population, we are giving them power over us.  The likes we receive as soon as we click "post" are giving an almost exclusively male population power over our success.  You can't really argue otherwise.  And if you can, I'd really like to hear your argument, because I can't come up with one.

Can you be feminine and be an athlete?  YES.  Can you be sexy and be a female athlete? YES.  I'd like to think that that's true because there are many different definitions of beauty out there.  But do we need "likes" to prove it?  We shouldn't, but at lot of times we do.  I like to take candid pictures of people, myself included, because I think it captures something that a posed and planned picture cannot.  I find beauty in a 45 year old woman doing pullup after pullup unassisted.  And sometimes some skin is showing, and that's ok.  She's working hard, she's in the moment, and it's beautiful. (you can see how opinions on this can vary from person to person, and that line can become a little fuzzy).

Can I tell you exactly where that line is?  No.  But I do remember to ask myself my motives before I post something, and I think it's something a lot of women could benefit from.

I was speaking to a friend about this recently.  He made a point that successful athletes (i.e. Olympians) have sponsors and visibility and a brand, without the need to bring sex into the equation.  Then he asked me "you don't want to take the easy way out, right?"

Right.




Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Things I Wish I Would Have Known 10 Years Ago

This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately as I've watched multiple friends struggle, many times with struggles I've experienced myself.  This post was way overdue.

I remember telling a therapist in the recent past that I never thought I'd be free.  I never thought I'd find freedom in my own mind.  At 25 years of age, I was still on medication, struggling with crippling OCD, mix that with the leftover depression from the last ten years, and you have what I thought would make me a sure failure.  Feeling like you don't have control over your own brain is one of the scariest feelings ever.  I've heard things like "just think differently" or "you know you have control over your brain right?"........ok, while those things can be accurate, they can sometimes take a TON of work to get to that point.  It comes easily to some people.  Some of us just happen to fall on the other side of the spectrum (the same way lifting heavy things comes easily to me, but can be extremely difficult for someone of a smaller frame.  Why is mental illness any different?)

Do I have control over my brain? Today? Yes, for the most part.  Monday night when I walked in the gym? I lost control for about a half hour.  I was anxious as hell and stressed out.  And really for no particular reason.  I just had a momentary lapse in control of my own mind, a feeling I used to feel 24/7.  (So yes, there's always that small fear that I'll relapse and lose all control and lose my mind again.  That fear never really goes away).

My point is, I don't have things figured out but I can tell you what I do know, today, at this moment.  And if sharing this helps one person, I've done my job.  Some days I just feel lucky.  I know I've put a ton of work in to get where I am, but I also feel like I had a lucky break some time in the last six months.  That all of my hard work suddenly "clicked" and now I have hope.  I'm sitting here racking my brain for what got me here.  I feel it's my job to share what I've tried to collect on this matter.  Here's what I can think of today.  I'll probably continue this post at another time when I have made more sense of all of this.

1) Research - There is a ton of research out there on the brain, but there seems to be a huge disconnect between the research and the people who could benefit from it.  Psychology research started out as a hobby for me, and now it has become a regular part of my life.  Understanding OTHERS helped me understand myself.  That sounds like it makes no sense, but it does.  I think a common theme of depression is the tendency to take the blame for too much.  You're afraid you aren't doing a good enough job at work, so you always fear you're being watched or your boss will find out you're a failure.  You isolate yourself and conclude the problem is 100% inside of you.  I think once you start separating yourself out from OTHERS' insecurities, you find a little bit of freedom.  Who are you trying to impress?  The people that are jerks to you aren't justified in doing so because you're a terrible person, they do it because they understand themselves less than you do.  Dig a little.  Subscribe to Psychology Today.  Order a couple of books on amazon that are specific to your situation.  You might think some of it is a waste of time, but I promise you it's not.  If you learned just one thing about yourself or others in that book, it was worth the read.  I've got a ton of good articles and books if anyone would like to do some research. :)

2) Empathy - I recently read an article by Dr. Psych Mom about getting over a spouse that cheated.  Cheating is never something I would be okay with, but there's room in this world for all sorts of people, and sometimes reading about people you have nothing in common with can help you understand things a little better.  Some people have 5 kids and divorce is not an option, emotionally or financially.  How do you get past it?  She says empathy.  Understand why they cheated.  This in NO way says it's ok, but understanding where other people are coming from can help you let go of your anger, and possibly move forward to fix the problem.  I was always good at having empathy for people that were struggling or weak, but I never had empathy for people that had power over me and made me feel like crap about myself.

Wouldn't it make you feel better to know that the reason your coworker is mean to you sometimes is because of some unresolved issue from childhood?  As opposed to her being an evil person......or you being deserving of the treatment?  It makes people seem more.......human........and less evil.  I went through a pretty significant phase of anger towards the world when all I saw was people trying to hurt me.  It hurt me more not knowing why it kept happening.  The empathy is for me.  It's for me to let go of anger.

3) Exercise and Goal Setting - So maybe I'm a little biased here, but let's just pretend for a second that I'm not an athlete.  That I've never touched a weight in my life and I just started going to CrossFit classes, or Zumba classes, it doesn't really matter.  There are two main reasons that exercise is good for someone suffering from a mental illness:

a) Exercise changes your brain chemistry.  Just getting up off the couch chemically puts you ahead of where you were had you not done anything.  I'm talking simple chemicals.  Forget the sense of accomplishment you get from finishing a tough workout.  I'm talking endorphins.  Endorphins change your perception of pain, they change the way you think.  And just taking care of your body releases stress in so many ways.  I personally like weightlifting because it's easy to take out any negative emotions on a heavy barbell.

b) Goal setting.  The reason I enjoy (insert sport here) is because progress is measurable, and you can literally accomplish something every day.  Depression has a way of making you feel like you're worthless and can't accomplish anything.  Exercising with the intent of improving can give you a daily opportunity to set a PR with something.  It can be anything.  Today?  Your PR might be a back squat PR.  Tomorrow?  Your PR might be showing up even though you feel physically trashed from that back squat PR, and you're putting in work most people would choose to not to do.  You're doing something great.  I'm sure there are other things you can work to accomplish, but I find this to be the most straight forward.  Hard work equals results.

One of my favorite quotes ever.

4) Personal Responsibility  - This one is the toughest.  Personal responsibility does not mean you think you're a piece of shit.  It does not mean getting angry with yourself for not having things figured out yet.  Personal responsibility means admitting you were dealt this illness.  It means saying out loud "I have depression."  It means admitting you have a problem brushing off your critics.  It means admitting you have an eating disorder.  It means after all these years, you admit you still have trouble dealing with that one difficult parent.  You're not admitting that you're terrible.  You're admitting that you're flawed, and maybe you've been flawed since birth.  It's like being born blind.  You can get angry that you were born with this disability, or you can make an action plan to work around it.

This is the beginning of a long and drawn out fight.  But I can guarantee you, once you know your enemy, the fight becomes much more straight forward.  You're no longer scrambling in the dark out of control.  Now you're just walking around in a dimmed light slightly out of control, and that light will get lighter with time.  The fight lets you know you're alive.  If you never had to fight for anything in your life, none of this would be worth it.

Finding happiness after over a decade of being in the dark?  Not many people know what that feels like.  But I do.  And I'm telling you it's worth it.  It's so fucking worth it.

Always Keep Fighting <3

Thursday, March 26, 2015

White Buffalo Nutrition Packages

Ready to get started?  Pick the package that's right for you!  Email whitebuffalotraining@gmail.com. 

Bio:
I've been a competitive athlete for as long as I can remember.  I take every aspect of my athletic career seriously, and that includes taking nutrition seriously.  Whether you want to take your athletic performance to the next level, or you just want to get healthier, check out what I have to offer.  

Credentials:
2006 Arkansas state champion in swimming (50 freestyle)
2006-2007 All State in Volleyball (Outside Hitter) and Swimming
2011 NCAA Champion in Swimming (50 freestyle) and Outdoor Track and Field (400 hurdles)
2007-2011 22-time All-American (Swimming/Track)
2011 USA Swimming national qualifier
2014 USA Weightlifting national qualifier
2013, 2014 CrossFit regional competitor (14th and 13th place finishes)
2011 NCAA Woman of the Year
2011 Bachelors in Engineering, concentration in biomedical engineering
2011-2013 38 credit hours in Sports Biomechanics PhD program


Initial Consult
Only $60
Includes: 
  • Goal setting (includes both short and long term)
  • Initial macronutrient specifics
  • Personalized summary of "why"
  • One sample meal plan that fits your lifestyle and macronutrient requirements.
  • One follow-up session via Skype to see how you are doing 2-4 weeks following consult.  Adjustments are made if needed.

We also offer personalized monthly plans.  Those are created on an individual basis.


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

White Buffalo Nutrition

Let me preface this by saying I am not a Registered Dietitian.  Just a competitive athlete who has tried every diet in the book.  As a college swimmer, usually my policy was eat as much as possible as often as possible, but most of us can't get away with that.  I began my search for answers in college, when my obsessive mind wanted to find ways to tighten the screws, lower body fat, and increase performance and efficiency.  That took me on a 5 year journey to where I am now.  I've tried "clean eating" (to the best of my knowledge as a 20 year old), Paleo (for two weeks, I hated it), Zone (this got me through much of my 2-year crossfit career), carb cutting to cut weight two weeks before USAW nationals (yeah not doing that again)..............

..........and now IIFYM.

So what is IIFYM?  IIFYM = If It Fits Your Macros.  What are macros? It's short for macronutrients.  There are three main macronutrients that your body uses: protein, fat, and carbohydrates.  With IIFYM, you start with a set number of each macro, and you try to meet that number every day.

Does your body need all three of these macros?  The human body is an amazing machine.  If you were a caveman thousands of years ago, and all you had access to for months were tomatoes and berries, you better believe your body found a way to survive on tomatoes and berries.  What if you were an Eskimo?  Fat and protein were the two main staples in your diet (think LOTS of fish).

But we're in the here and now.  I'm assuming if you read this, you live in the United States, a first world country where we have access to almost every imaginable food.  Just because people can survive on no carbs and have lost weight (notice I said weight, not body fat alone) does NOT mean that's how you should go about trying to lose body fat.  If your body is at an enormous calorie deficit (namely by taking out an important macronutrient, such as carbohydrates), your body will eventually lose weight, but at what cost?  Will some of that be body fat? Sure, but that process is not simple and has some pretty nasty side effects.  If you go to the gym, any muscle you've gained will be converted to energy if you aren't eating enough carbohydrates.  Your organs (including your brain) use glucose (what carbohydrates are converted to) as energy.  I don't know about you, but I use my brain a lot at work.  I can't afford to feel fuzzy or sleepy because I'm not fueling myself properly.

How does IIFYM work?  (White Buffalo style)  I set my clients up with a set of macros.  Then they follow them.  My set of macros are 164C 154P and 62F.  I am on a conservative cut.  It's conservative because I'm in need of muscle building but I want to lower body fat at the same time.  This requires patience and an idea of the bigger picture.  If I can't see myself sticking to this for more than a month, there's no point, I won't reach my goals.  When I DO reach my goal weight (75kg), I will then go back to maintenance calories, and continue to count macros.

How do I know what macros to give people?  It depends on your activity level, body weight, height, and age.  There IS a calculator online, but there is a certain finesse to knowing what your inputs are.  There is a lot of freedom to set things up however you want, and I do it by feel.  If you are lifting weights? We need to make sure you're getting enough protein to build muscle mass.  If you  are running long distances?  We need to make sure you're getting enough carbohydrates, especially in the hours leading up to your long run.

How do I get started?  Those numbers I give you.  You should be trying to meet them every day.  I use My Fitness Pal to track my food.  Almost any food you can think of is in their database.  Track it.  At the bottom, it will track your macros (protein fat and carbs).  There are a couple ways to do this.  There's my approach where I eat the same effing thing every day, and tracking my food every day isn't super important.  Then there's the more flexible approach where you eat something different every day and track religiously and try to hit your numbers by the time you go to sleep that night.  EITHER IS OKAY!  IIFYM is sometimes called flexible dieting for this reason.

Here is a sample day for me.  I made my "Your Daily Goal" custom to me (I had to use an addon to my browser).  Notice how each food tracks each macronutrient and totals it at the bottom of every meal AND at the end of the day.  It does the work for you!


What are some common mistakes?
Just to name a few that clients have come across.

-Not tracking their food.  And I mean everything.  That sweet potato that claims it's 130g?  It's not.  Depending on the size it could be as large as 250g.  You just unintentionally ate more carbs than expected for lunch.  Weigh your vegetables instead of measuring them by volume.  Most nutrition facts have a weight stated for the serving size (for example, my Fiber One bar has a serving size of 1 bar (28g)).

-Entering in their exercise in MFP and eating back their workout macros.  I account for activity level in your macro setup.  Every day of the week you should be hitting the same numbers.  Even rest days.

-Not weighing yourself every day.  Yeah yeah, I know, there are articles all over the internet about how you shouldn't weigh yourself every day.  You shouldn't weigh yourself every day when you have no knowledge of what you're putting in your body.  Then it's a crap shoot.  What's it going to be today?  If you collect weight data WHILE AT THE SAME TIME tracking your food meticulously, you'll start getting a better understanding of how your body works.  For me? (and most people I'm assuming), my weight fluctuates about 1-2lbs throughout the week.  Once I hit a new low, the weight will almost always go up again the next day.  If I know this, I won't freak out when this happens, I'll just track it in my excel sheet, and move on with my day.

-Only following your macros a certain number of days of the week.  That should be enough right?  Wrong.  If you only follow IIFYM Mon-Fri then loosely follow it on Sat/Sun, you will not meet your goals and you have a lot of fuzzy data on the weekends that you aren't tracking.  I find when I loosely follow my macro goals on the weekends, I eat way more carbs than usual, or I eat way more calories than usual.  This is a lifestyle, not a "diet."  Because when you meet your weight goal, we adjust your macros a little higher, then move forward.  Expect to be eating like this for a long time. :)

-Not realizing that certain things can cause temporary setbacks in weight, and in turn throwing in the towel early.  These include creatine or other supplements, sodium intake, hormone fluctuations (ladies, track this too so you know when any typical weight gain is, and know this is only water weight), and extra carb intake.  If you go way over one day in carbs, don't panic!  your weight will most likely go up the next day, but only because you're carrying extra weight in carbs, and for every gram of carbs, you carry 3-4g of water.  You didn't gain back 1.5lbs of fat over night because you had some dessert last night, just wait for it to subside in a few days.

There is a progression.  I think the biggest appeal to counting macros is the flexibility.  The fact that you can have birthday cake on your birthday and you can still make it fit.  The fact that you don't have to give up all those "bad" foods right away.  But you should still make it a long term goal to move in the direction of cutting out "bad" foods.  Cutting out sugar can be like kicking an addiction.  Your brain is wired to like sugar.  You CAN eat sugar while counting macros, but I'm going to tell you now, your body digests it much faster than vegetables (also a carb) and you will be left hungry in an hour.  Think blood sugar spikes then crashes.  The slower digesting your food is, the less you'll be hungry.  If you don't really get hungry?  Cool, maybe this isn't a NEED but it should still be a goal.  The cleaner we can get, the better.  And by clean I mean meat proteins, eggs, dairy (sorry paleo lovers), fruits, vegetables, and some sugar before a workout is not a terrible idea.  Again, this is not a huge priority when starting out with IIFYM, but it can be a long term goal to move in this direction.

Then there are eating disorders.  Eating disorders are about control.  They are about addiction.  Yes, you can become addicted to being healthy too, so much so that it consumes everything (ever heard of orthorexia nervosa?).  I find that if you follow IIFYM, and you know WHY, the likelihood of an eating disorder developing becomes much smaller.  We also have cookies over here on the dark side, which means you can throw that "clean eating" mentality out the window every once in a while, and you know you'll be fine.  Also, on IIFYM, every day is a new day.  If you screwed up yesterday?  Note the fluctation in your weight report (put in a note that you had a hankering for pizza), then get back in the saddle.  In a sense you DO have control, but the scale and the mirror are much more reflective of your hard work.  I think the disordered eating comes when you follow a diet only a percentage of the time, binge eat on Saturdays, then wonder why you aren't losing weight.  Or you starve yourself and wonder why your metabolism has slowed down.  We do these crazy things to ourselves because we're human and it's the logical thing to do right?  Cut calories you'll lose weight, right?  And the more calories you cut, the faster you'll lose weight right?  If you only binge once a week, your body can't absorb all of that food at once, right?

WRONG.  Follow IIFYM 100% of the time, and you WILL see results.  I guarantee it.

Give me 4 weeks.  If you follow your macros to a T (give or take 5g of each macro every day), and you don't see results?  I'll give you your money back.  That's how confident I am.  Don't believe me?  Try it for yourself and prove me wrong.


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Taking Personal Responsibility

Taking personal responsibility.

If there's anything I've learned in my decades of being an athlete (yes decades, I found my gymnastics report card from when I was 5 the other day), it's that the only way to succeed is to take full responsibility for yourself.  Have I always done this?  Nope.  But I'm getting much better at it.  The big reason for failure?  Excuses.  Here are two kinds that are a sure fire way to failure (both of which I've been guilty of).

1) Excuses in training.  Dear god these drive me crazy.  Now I'm pretty immune to complaining, because I do complain from time to time, but as long as you get the work done, I don't care.  Complaining is different from excuses.  Complaining sounds like this "UGH I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!" which is what I say before every squat set over 3 reps.  Excuses sound like this: "I didn't get enough sleep last night and that's why I failed my last front squat set!" or if you're a weightlifter/CrossFitter "My hands hurt so I can't do my snatches!"  I think part of this is we expect to be and look awesome every day in training.  Training is just that, it's just getting us ready for something bigger.  It's not a competition.  Who cares why you didn't hit that snatch or couldn't go faster on your row? "My legs are tired from moving into my new apartment this weekend!".....Nope still don't care, just do the work.  And if you can't do the work, quietly adjust the weight/reps, and move on. 

Even if you don't vocalize your excuses, they're toxic.  You're protecting yourself from failure, but in doing so, you don't move forward either.  Failure is the best thing that could happen to you.  It makes you better.  It teaches you things.  Stop trying to protect yourself mentally from failure.  I'm learning there's a life beyond 6 months from now and I have my whole life to fail and figure things out.  As I'm sitting at my desk in a leg brace, still rehabbing my fairly fresh ACL, I can tell you I'm pretty familiar with failure.  We're pretty much bffs.  My training sessions are full of failures (failed lifts, failing to squat using both legs equally, failing to dip in my push presses without compensating by pushing my hips back) but they all teach me things.  Yesterday, I finally got fed up catching my lifts to my right, so I spent about 30-45 minutes doing single leg exercises on my left leg on top of my programmed lifts, and I plan on doing those a lot more.  My failures got me to take action to become a better lifter, and down the road I'll appreciate that.

2) Excuses why you'll never succeed no matter what.  Guilty of this one big time.  I'm a 75kg weightlifter.  I'll probably always struggle to make weight.  I also have the longest femurs known to man.  Now I could keep that in the back of my mind every time I struggle with a squat set (try every set?), or I could decide that I just need to work harder on my core strength to MAKE UP for my long femurs.  Go the extra mile.  Also realize that in your weaknesses there are also strengths.  I'm 5'10''.  That's pretty tall for a female weightlifter.  I also have an insane pull because of it.  I'm going to put my strength with my weakness and use both to my advantage.  

Putting limitations on ourselves prevent us from succeeding, whether we realize it or not.  Especially when it comes to nutrition, mostly because society has made dieting this big hit or miss mystery and most people don't know what they're talking about (just cut carbs!).  I know a bunch of people that come to me saying "Nothing works!  I'll never lose weight!"  I even read an article an extremely overweight woman wrote about her struggles in her marriage dealing with her weight, did her husband not believe the research out there that diets don't work?  Wait, what????  The right diets work.  Just not whatever you did.  

I got a big slap in the face when I contacted a nutritionist to set up my macros the first time I started IIFYM.  I told her "I'm eating 1900 calories a day (just calorie counting, no macro counting) and I'm gaining weight!  Wtf!  She came back with a big long list of reasons why I possibly wasn't losing weight.  Hormones, salt intake, supplements I wasn't tracking, creatine.  Cool, all things that weren't really my fault.  She finally weaseled out of me the fact that my cheat meals on Saturdays with Greg were in fact the biggest binge eating sessions in the history of binge eating (even when she asked me what I ate, I downplayed it, left out certain foods, or summarized one of the more conservative binge eating sessions we'd had).  Greg called them cheat meals.  I now call them binges.  They weren't healthy.  The problem was, I was perfect every other day of the week, then on Saturday, after starving myself for 6 days, I'd eat everything in sight and put that entire calorie deficit back in my body and then some, and call it a cheat meal.  My body held onto every single little calorie.  And I gained weight.  Crazy huh?  It was entirely my own fault.  I wanted to ignore the fact that I had anything to do with my weight loss frustrations.  I put my cheat meals in a box and pretended they didn't exist, then cursed the gods because I was working hard the rest of the time and not losing weight (that's not how it works, that's not how any of this works). Facing myself head on has made the process much easier.  And now on the weekends when Greg wants to go crazy with the food, I remember what my nutritionist told me, and that the laws of physics (and thermodynamics?  that "energy" I just ate doesn't just disappear into thin air, it has to go somewhere) don't go out the window for 2 hours on Saturday just because I wanted a pint of Ben and Jerry's with my pizza and chips and salsa and cheese sticks.

Friday, February 13, 2015

My Keys to Happiness.......For Now......

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down 'happy'.  They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life." -John Lennon

One of the biggest goals in my adult life is to chase happiness.  Not the temporary have fun at the bar kind, the sustainable permanent kind.  Happiness is an emotion, and emotions can be fleeting from day to day, but I've been determined to find an equilibrium. 

Here have been my obstacles, and all three have been diagnosed by a doctor.
1) Depression
2) Anxiety
3) Clinical OCD

So it seems I have my work cut out for me, huh?  But hard work staring me in the face has never scared me before, so the following is a list of things I've done in attempt to improve my quality of life.  I'm nowhere near perfect, but on good days I'm pretty darn happy, and on bad days, I just get stressed, but my brain doesn't spiral out of control like it used to.  In other words, I've taught my brain how to "be in shape" and the results have been amazing.

1) Talk to a therapist.  No seriously do it.  This has been almost a constant in my life for the last 5 years.  There have been times where I felt good enough to not see anyone, but for the most part it's always something I've gone back to.  I went to see an OCD specialist here in Louisville some time last year.  Their exposure therapy basically cured my OCD for the time being, but I developed a great relationship with my therapist.  She might or might not be younger than me (she's still in school), but I like the way she thinks.  Plus I think she finds me interesting instead of making me feel judged because I don't fit some mold.  I don't see her very often now, but she's still there if I need her.  And we catch up every two weeks or so, just to tweak things and give me things to work on.  I think it's extremely useful to have a third party to talk to.  Someone whos looking from the outside in on your life and can give you objective advice.  You don't even need a clinical diagnosis of a mental illness to have one. :) 

2) Don't be afraid to ask for help.  This kind of piggy backs on getting a therapist.  None of us were meant to make this journey on our own.  Think of it this way, the more help you ask for, the more different types of inputs you'll have in your life.  Learn from every direction possible.  Your mom's advice is going to be very different from you best friend's advice, but ask for both.  Who knows, a combination of the two might click with you.

3) Do your research.  I alluded to this yesterday in a facebook post, but I truly believe we should all be doing more research in the field of psychology, not only to better understand ourselves (which is probably the most important part I got from my research), but also to understand why other people do what they do.  Most people DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEIR OWN BRAINS.  Once you come to accept this, it's easy to stop trying to rationalize all the evil in the world.  There are some people out there we weren't meant to understand without in depth scrutiny (most of my friends are pretty complex people, for a reason.  They intrigue me and I didn't understand them when I didn't know them as well).  There are also pretty simple people out there.  Jealousy is an extremely simple emotion.  It takes a complex and in control person to deny jealousy in their field of emotions.  Most simple people DON'T KNOW THEY'RE JEALOUS.  They just act on it.  Their emotion is so primal, they have no understanding of why they do what they do.  As soon as I realized the girl at the gym was treating me like crap because she saw me as a threat, it makes it much easier to ignore.  She isn't even self aware enough to realize it's jealousy.  I don't always ignore it totally (I'm still human, things still get to me), but it does make it easier. 

Read a book.  Follow a psychology page on Facebook.  Subscribe to Psychology Today.  Something.  I think a better understanding of the human race benefits everyone.

3) Exercise is your best friend.  I know I know you're like "But Laura!  You're a coach and an athlete.  That's so easy for you to say."  You know what I say to that?  Fake it till you make it.  I don't just try to impose my habits on other people because I think my habits are better.  I try to spread fitness because it's one of the most important things you can do for yourself.  It's funny how we'll readily spend money on clothes and fast food to make ourselves feel better, but taking care of ourselves long terms is a tough priority.  Exercise has been one of the top reasons I've stayed relatively sane over the last decade.  There are both physical and mental changes that happen when you begin exercising.  The benefits are endless.  And most of all, these benefits will allow you to live longer and more comfortably.  If I'm truly dedicated to becoming a happier person, exercise will 100% become a part of my daily routine.  Except on Sundays.  Sundays are rest days.

4) Nutrition is SO important.  There's a reason I didn't lump this in with exercise.  Because you can have one without the other, and both are equally as important.  I don't think I realized the full extent to which nutrition impacted me on a mental and physical level until recently.  When you start fueling your body the way it was meant to be fueled, all sorts of things balance out.  Your hormones find a nice homeostasis, your inflammation goes down, headaches decrease.  I'm all about balance, and if there's a way my body can become even more balanced, I'm going to do it.

5) Balance is key.  Now I realize this is going to look different for everyone, but this is what it looks like for me.  I excel when I don't put all my eggs in one basket.  It's always when I have multiple things in my life to focus on that I tend to do better at all of them.  You always hear about how disciplined college swimmers have to be.  They'll freely tell you that swimming 20 hours a week has forced them to have great time management skills and actually keeps them motivated outside the pool.  And when the swimming stops, the motivation stops.   After swimming year round for almost 10 years, I've learned that having a balance between work/school and sports is key for my success.  Currently my balance is between a full time engineering job and weightlifting (and a little bit of coaching).  All three of these things keep me motivated.  When I start losing motivation in the gym, a client might come to me with their successes in the gym.  Or maybe when I have a good night at the gym, it gets me motivated for work the next day.  I seem to have found a nice balance that keeps me in a cycle of motivation.  And when the day comes, and I'm healthy enough to do doubles again like I did in college, I'll have no problem getting out of bed at 4 in the morning.  I know it'll make me happy.

6) Greg.  Okay, so I can't really share him, but he's a been a pretty big source of my growing happiness over the last year and a half.   I've learned more about myself being in a relationship with him than I have the previous 25 years combined.  I've found a confidence in myself I've never had before.  And that even means sticking up for myself in fights with him.  In previous relationships, I've been put down, cheated on, and bossed around.  Today, if he ever attempted to do any of those things, I'd shut it down so quickly there wouldn't even be a discussion.  So maybe it's a coincidence that I found this confidence when I found him, maybe not.  But I do know these things for sure:  I'm a basically good person.  I deserve someone else who is a good person.  I deserve to be treated with respect.  I deserve to feel beautiful, inside and outside of a relationship.  I deserve to feel like my ideas are important.  I deserve to know that there's someone in this world who is perfectly ok with my awkward habits, weird ideas, and strange obsession with lifting weights.  I'd like to think I could feel this way if I were on my own, and if heaven forbid we break up today, I think I could feel this way, but maybe I'm just lucky he popped into my life when he did.  I didn't deserve it (or maybe I did?  Isn't that what I'm trying to say?), but he's here to stay and I'm so happy about it. 

Am I saying I'm happy every single minute of every single day?  Hell no.  But at least I'm trying.  And I honestly think the steps I'm taking are the right steps.  At this point that's all that matters.