I got hit pretty hard at the end of 2014. I unknowingly tore my ACL back in July at USAW Nationals on a final CnJ attempt at 101kg, something I had power cleaned many times before, using the same exact WRONG technique. Now I can't blame anyone but myself, I'm still very much a student of weightlifting, strength and conditioning, and biomechanics. Simply put, lesson learned.
Not only did I have ACL reconstruction and meniscus repair surgery on November 5th, but I lost my job on November 21st. To make things more complicated, Greg, my boyfriend, was unsure about his future living condition (as in we weren't sure if we'd be living in this state or not anymore). So for a little over a month, I was wearing a leg brace, barely able to maneuver every day life, and I was also stuck at home, unable to look for a job, with way too much time to worry about everything.
No part of this was easy. Having that job kept my brain stimulated. For nine hours a day, I felt useful, smart, and like I was contributing to something bigger. Diagnosing electrical failures in refrigerators sounds boring, but it was exciting. It was up to me solve these huge problems. A save meant a savings of over $400. I was part of something. Then GE had massive layoffs. There was nothing I could do.
On top of this, losing my able body was devastating. Physical therapy was grueling. Things we all take for granted, like walking up and down stairs, or sitting on a toilet, now became the biggest effort of my day. I remember the first week after surgery, sitting in the shower for about 5 minutes after the water had turned off, trying to figure out how to get out. I remember crying while my mother had to help dress me. I was useless.
I'm not out of the woods yet. But these last few months of crutches and unemployment have taught me a lot, and have given me the opportunity to learn a lot. Since everyone likes lists, here are the biggest things that have come from my time of being a useless human:
1) I had time to rethink my value as a person, and my place in the world. My identity has always been wrapped up in what I do. For months, I couldn't DO anything. Now where does that put me? One of the things that has kept me sane has been helping people that are able to do. I took on a few more clients, and beyond that I took on a few more friends. It has become extremely clear that my fulfillment comes from improving the lives of the people around me. The thank yous, however seldom they may be, create a feeling of joy inside me that I haven't been able to find anywhere else.
which leads to
2) My depression is mostly under control, something I never thought would happen. Now my brain has found other ways to drive me crazy (i.e. anxiety and OCD) but they're much more manageable. I got hit with probably two of the biggest "failures" of my life in a matter of weeks, but I somehow managed to keep things under control. If anything, I'd say that's proof that mental illness, with a lot of work, can get better.
3) I had time to do some research about myself. My therapist called it "mesearch." I read a book called "Running on Empty." The subject matter is childhood emotional neglect, which sounds terrible, but in all honesty, we were all "emotionally neglected" in one way or another. No parent gets it perfect. But it gives a huge insight into why we are the way we are. Something about it was freeing. That my flaws and insecurities are not permanent parts of my personality (which has been a giant fear of mine). They were taught at some point, and with the right tools, they can be untaught. I highly recommend this book for anyone going through an existential crisis. :)
4) I also had time to do plenty of research on nutrition. I inevitably gained some weight over the last few months. Lack of activity and a lack of motivation to eat healthy without a goal in sight meant a lot of fast food and gas station snacks. Ironically, on January 1st I got back on the bandwagon. Determined to understand my own body, I began tracking all of my food and weighing myself every morning. Not only have I removed all the emotional trauma from weighing myself, but I now have a much better understanding of what that number means. Everything is a direct effect of what I put in my body. The process is much more scientific now, and this is something I can sustain for the rest of my life without stressing about it. Follow the steps, and you'll see success.
5) Nothing will make you believe in long term goals like a major injury. I think a lot of us tend to focus on the here and now too much. We wanted to be better at snatches yesterday. Now don't get me wrong, every step of my rehab has made me the most impatient person ever. The day I got my first barbell snatch without pain, I became mad at myself because I could only do the bar, and my left leg still isn't 100% mobile. But it makes going to the gym a little easier when I believe in where I'll be in five years. Becoming angry during your training session because things aren't going your way will never make you a better athlete. Just showing up and training the best way you know how is getting you where you need to be, no matter how tired and sore and erratic you are that day. Think about the end goal. In six months, you will be happy you finished your training that day, not mad that you didn't hit every rep.
6) Being jobless has forced me to find confidence in myself that I've never had before. The Running on Empty book mentions the "fatal flaw," the idea that once people find out who we really are, they'll find out we're a fake, that we're not who they thought we were. You don't get to have that fear when you're interviewing for a job that you desperately need. You need to convince these people that you're the best damn person for the job, and the only way to convince them is to believe it. I went through three different interviews before I got my current job (which wasn't a whole lot, I know), but with each one I gained confidence that I was smart, capable, and resourceful. I think in previous jobs, I was so scared they'd find me to be a fake, that I almost sabotaged myself. Instead of having the confidence of finding and solving problems that others didn't know existed, I waited around too much for help. I didn't believe I was capable. It's a vicious cycle. The less you believe in yourself, the less you become capable of. The more you believe in yourself, the more you become capable of. This new found confidence has allowed me to ask silly questions and put myself out there for the sake of getting better at what I do. I see my future at Samtec to be very different than anywhere else I've worked. I have a fresh start.
7) I found a way to mostly stop caring what people think of me. After having all the free time in the world, you come across enough haters to last a life time. Not just people who don't like me, but people who don't like others, and for the weirdest reasons. Even murderers have people who love them. If you think of it that way, someone will always find a reason to not like you. No. Matter. What. You. Do. It doesn't matter how hard you try to please people. Someone will find you arrogant. Or they'll think you're awkward (you have no idea how many times people have told me that. I'm well aware I'm awkward. I also don't give a shit anymore that you think that). People will hate you because you're successful. They'll hate you because they think you're lazy. People are such complex emotional creatures and we'll find ways to protect ourselves, and hating is one of those ways. So the next time someone starts trolling you constantly on facebook, or tries to sabotage you at work, remember it's not about you. Even if it was about you, you could do the opposite of what you've done, and they'd still find a way to hate you. It's been a hard pill to swallow for me, but I'm coming to terms with it.
8) Lastly, emotions are your friend. Emotions exist for evolutionary reasons. Love exists to connect a mother to her baby. Fear exists to stay alive. I could go on but you get the point. The minute we stop trying to hide our emotions and start using them to our advantage, we start making progress. Sometimes the smartest people think that they are much more successful without emotions, but the truth is, the most successful people are smart because they learn how to use their emotions to their advantage, instead of pushing them down.
And those are my existential thoughts for the year. Now go lift something heavy like I plan to later today. You know, because I can now. :)
